At the beginning of November I had been feeling a bit off for a few days so on a whim I took a pregnancy test. It was light, but positive. **Bit of backstory... we began trying for number two back in May. I had a VERY faint positive test in July but then got my period and the tests were then negative. Something I've heard called a "chemical" pregnancy. The egg had been fertilized but didn't attach to the uterine wall.** So, anyways, we took a few more tests, all positive, and decided to make an appointment at the beginning of December.
On Thanksgiving day I noticed some odd spotting and after some discussion we agreed that as long as it didn't get worse or change we wouldn't worry about it. Well by that evening it had gotten a bit worse so Jesse left work and took me to the ER. They took 6 or 7 vials of blood, blood pressure, and I got two ultrasounds. I remember during the second ultrasound I suddenly had this wave of calm depression come over me and started trying to accept I was probably going to lose it. I started asking God for strength over and over in my head and tried to prepare myself for the worst. We ended up being told later that I was just over 6 weeks along and though they couldn't find a heartbeat, it wasn't unusual under 8 weeks to not find it. We were told it was a 'threatened miscarriage' and to come back in a few days to make sure my HcG levels were going up, not down.
Two days later we had errands to run. Nothing had changed but I was feeling a bit lethargic and crampy. We went shopping anyways and it was about an hour into it went basically I felt a gush. And I knew what that meant. We dropped Andrew off with my mom and went back to the ER. I stayed strangely calm through the blood draws, ultrasounds and all that. The cramps got bad enough that I asked for pain meds and then the doctor came it and I wasn't surprised when we were told there was nothing on the Ultrasound anymore. As he talked at us I just got numb and that's how I stayed until it passed later that night and then I finally broke down.
I feel like I haven't really had an opportunity to process it yet... my mother was living with us until the beginning of December, and then we were aggressively unpacking and shopping and gearing up for the holidays and my in-laws visiting.
-Revisiting this post a while later, I do feel more at peace with it. It's still a challenge to not..."go down the rabbit hole" to wondering why this had to happen, why it did happen, and the endless wondering if next time things will go better. Jesse and I were able to have a long talk about it all and though it was painful, it felt good to get it all out.
For a long time I went back and forth being devastated and then thinking I'm foolish to be so dramatic. After all, it's not like we knew for long, it's not as though a child we knew and met had died. But still, it was at least the beginnings of a child we already loved, had plans for, and were so excited about. We had planned when and how to tell everyone, planned out the nursery...everything.
About mid-December I finally had my follow-up appointment. Everything went well, tests went well, HcG levels were down so no D&C thank goodness. But we were told to try to wait until June to continue trying. For a while I couldn't even begin to accept it but I now am back on the birth control pill (the doctor said it would be best to go on birth control again, and that that may help with fertility when I come off of it) and we have mostly come to terms with it.
I'm doing pretty well. I still enjoy seeing other kids and babies while we're out with Andrew but occasionally it feels like heartbreak all over again.
My heart truly goes out to women who can't conceive, or have had a hard time. I feel like I've gotten just a tiny taste of that and it's terrible. I feel broken. Like there is something wrong with me, that God doesn't want us to have another child, that something worse is coming... and even that I'm a disappointment. I know Jesse wants more children as much as I do and though I know he doesn't blame me, it's hard not to think that some part of him does.
Also to those who have miscarried after they had told family and friends, learned the sex, named your baby, or felt it move inside you....I can't imagine. It was hard enough to just know about it, but to have that connection lost would be unthinkable.
We set off a chinese lantern for the loss of the little one we never got to meet just before Christmas, and that's something we are going to do every year on Thanksgiving weekend. Even though we will have no squirming little body to change and bathe, feed and cuddle, we're still parents twice over and I feel pretty blessed to have carried another child even for only a few weeks. Maybe that's just a coping mechanism but it works for me.
All in all, it was a pretty stressful holiday season for us. Luckily, we have a great support system of parents, family and friends. My husband has been great throughout the whole ordeal, we have somewhat strangely grown a lot closer over the past month which is nice, and I feel even more lucky every single day to be a mother of a crazy little toddler. 2015 is a new year, and a clean slate. My goal is to cherish every moment of every day with Andrew possible, spend more one-on-one time with my hubby, and to really get back into shape. I've been slacking and am looking forward to get back into yoga and dance a lot more in the coming months.
I feel this was mostly a mess of thoughts and just a way to get it all out there. I am so much better at writing than speaking and this is a wonderful release. Many tears and tissues {and chocolate} later, I finally feel ready to take a deep breath, let go of the past year and plunge into 2015 with a positive attitude.
Jesse had asked me when this whole thing started if a miscarriage would threaten my faith and I was sad to find I didn't really have an answer. I hoped it wouldn't of course, but it's hard to accept a loss of something as precious and miraculous as a child when you believe God is watching over you. So, in retrospect, I am comforted a bit knowing that my first reaction was to ask Him for strength to accept what was happening and get us through it. I haven't prayed a lot, I will admit, but I am putting my faith into Him that there was some reason.... some lesson... some somthing. I feel I need to accept the things I cannot change and trust in Him. And that is enough for now.
Again, my heart goes out to any of you who have experienced loss or hard times conceiving. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Much love to all of you <3
Love you! Hugs and Kisses!!
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